MSaversary

Today marks the 6th anniversary of my MS diagnosis. I’m not sure whether this is something to celebrate or commiserate. On the one hand I’m very proud of where I am today; I feel I have achieved quite a lot in my life so far. On the other hand, I can’t walk very far, my fatigue makes it hard to function on a daily basis, and my bladder control leaves much to be desired. Of course a person’s life can’t be summed up in a simple list like this. We’re far too complex for that (hopefully I am anyway). It hasn’t really hit home that I’ve had MS for 6 years. My husband has known me longer with MS than without (by quite a long way), which is quite a shock when I think about it.

Looking back, I was so chilled out about my diagnosis. I seemed to take it in my stride. As I’ve said before, I was relieved that I didn’t have anything ‘worse’, whatever that might have been. I knew this would be a hard post to write. It’s kind of forcing me to look back and analyse the years I’ve had MS, how I’ve got better… and how I’ve got worse. The implications of a diagnosis are indeed massive. That’s why I try not to look too far into the future, and not into the past. The temptation to wish you had done something differently, to stall or stop your diagnosis, can be massive. I have done this many times, and am not ashamed to admit it. On the other hand, the past gives us strength. It shows us we can overcome whatever we’re faced with. I’m still here. I’ve made it to this point, right now, as have you. That’s definitely something to celebrate. To know we have got to this point in our lives. Whether you are having a particularly good time of it or not, hopefully it will pass, and eventually be only a memory. This is what I often try to tell myself. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. I know I’m still me, but the past 6 years have battered my loved ones and I quite a bit. Knowing you are the source of someone’s pain is beyond heart breaking.       

The moments where I am truly sad are like the ones above; knowing I am causing a loved one’s pain. This is why it can be hard to explore the full weight of a diagnosis. Simply, you don’t want to upset anyone! No one can fully understand, especially when I look back at the last 6 years. This is by no means meant to sound like an insult. Unless you have lived it, it is impossible to fully assess it. This goes for all of us. 

So what would I like to get out there on this monumental(?) day? I can’t promise it’ll pass, and I can’t promise everything will get better. However, I am a happy soul. I have great difficulties sure, but so does everyone in one way or another. I have a fantastic support network of family and friends willing to put up with me. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I hear good things. I’m very intrigued as to what I’ll write next year, for better or worse. 

My final thought is as follows: These past 6 years have gone by very quickly, and I don’t regret a moment of it (apart from my diagnosis of course).